… my stomach is sick, and it’s all in my head? Maybe.

So things have been great since I started back at EB. All the crap things in my life went away and I had something to hold onto. Of course I’m still not completely happy. But when I’m at work it doesn’t matter. I love my job. But it turns out this week I’ve only got one shift. My manager has to cut down on shifts, naturally. And I know he told me I’d stay on after Christmas because I really want to be there, and I explained how upset I was the last time they cut me back. But I just have this sick feeling in my stomach. Because the last time they cut me back so many things in my life went downhill. I got my heartbroken, I started failing uni… I’ve just got this paranoia about losing control of my life. I guess it’s because right now working is the only thing I can do, and without it (or even with less shifts) I have more time to do nothing and wallow.

I’m also planning to go to Japan this time next year. I thought I’d worked out a budget going by the shifts I’ve been getting and “assured” knowledge I’d still get to work. But one or less shifts a week? I cannot do anything other than pay for my car and general day to day expenses such as food and entertainment with that kind of money. I barely go out as it is. I just don’t know…

And that’s all forgetting that I don’t have any friends who respond to me anymore. Sure I’ve been busy with work, but I’ve tried to message people. I guess that doesn’t count for much.

IVF: Pro-life/Pro-choice

So I’ve just heard on the news about a lady who created and froze embryos with her then boyfriend. She now wants to use one to have a baby. However, he is saying he does not want her to because it technically is a part of his… body so to speak that he donated. Her argument is they are not property, and she wants the opportunity to create life. Now, I think it’s fair enough that the ex-partner wants a say. This makes me think though, how is it any different to a guy who accidentally got a girl pregnant saying he has a right to say she should have an abortion? Sure if a woman fell pregnant by these means she has the right to determine what happens to her body. However, similar to the former debate, there is a part of the male entering the female. Does he have no say in what happens to his sperm? Then brings about the debate of responsibility. On both parties parts. I honestly don’t know where I sit ethically on this one.

Responsibility sucks.

I’ve officially deferred from university. At least for the next six months. The problem is I can’t decide what to do. There is a part of me that wants to go back, so I can get a career in film. And I’ve already put so much time into it. It’s just the fact that I’ve failed a few subjects, and the lack of hours we actually spend at uni that puts me off. I really want to travel, and know I’m going to get a job. I’d like to know I could go study for a year overseas, too. But that requires me having a job to save up. It’s also a kinda crappy uni in regards to where it will get me. So I’d probably need to go to a private college after, anyway. Like NIDA or AFTRS.

Another part of me wants to do Asian Studies and International Relations. I can apply for that at a few different unis including the one I am at. However, it’s not an internal transfer so I’d have to go through with everyone else. Including school leavers. I’d get to learn Japanese. But it’s another 3 years of study.

Thing is, I REALLY want to do costume design, too. That’s even harder to get into than film. And the courses have expensive, usually upfront payments. Or fashion design, at least. I’m hoping I could do that on the side somehow? I just want to succeed in something. I feel like such a failure all the time.

Until I can go back next semester though, I have to wait out the rest of the year. I’m thinking of taking up a hairdressing apprenticeship with my brother’s friend because she offered it. It’s hard to come by work. So would it be wrong to take it if I didn’t intend to continue with it?

I really don’t know what to do.

Tidbits

Something I’ve been thinking about lately that I saw in the paper a few backs is getting to me. From what I remember, the Australian governement has accepted homosexual couples as being in a de facto relationship for some time now. Which is fantastic progress.  Only recently I saw an ad from Centrelink stating that all homosexual couples needed to declare their de facto relationship from X date. I want to know why it has taken Centrelink (a government organisation) so long to implement changes regarding homosexual de facto couples. All people should have equal rights regardless of gender and sexuality. This might come out wrong but I in no way intend it to be offensive. I just can’t see why for Centrelink purposes, homosexual couples weren’t previously considered de facto.  I mean, what if there are couples out there living together, with seperate income benefits and there was a heterosexual couple who had to combine theirs/get cut back because they lived together. The government is always trying to rip people off so you think they’d thought of this sooner. I’m just frustrated by the fact that homosexual people, who deserve just as many rights as another person of a different sexual orientation, were accepted as a legally recognised de facto couple yet it took Centrelink some time to get around to changing their requirements. I probably should have looked up the dates for all of these changes – legal studies at school taught me that. But as if I could be bothered right now.

Parents are on their way home from Port Stephens. They were away for a few days. House has been kind of boring. My car rego is well overdue but as I have no money still waiting on dad to pay that. Until then I guess I’m not going anywhere. Have a party for my nan down the south coast on Saturday then hoping to hit a bbq with friends Saturday night. Sunday will probably be spent with one of my close friends drinking tea and being girls.

About 6 months ago I cut from my job at EB Games. Since then I haven’t been able to find work. I went into my store today and had a chat with my old store manager, Mike. Mike’s a great guy, and he’s always known how I’m feeling without me even saying anything. He’s been through a lot himself so he was always great to talk to and is very supportive and understanding.

I basically made it obvious that I’m in need of work. He said he’d ring around some other stores for me and will see what he can do, it’s just financially a hard time all-round. Then he told me to “stop looking at him like that”, and I could see he felt bad. I was trying really hard to smile and laugh, but things are a bit tough at home at the moment. So not working basically results in me sitting at home, or if I go anywhere it’s for a short time because it’s all I can afford. He told me he could see I was really down; I’m smiling lots but he could pick up that I wasn’t feeling so good.

I went to the other EB store (in the same shopping centre) and the manager there, Ron, said they’re in a similar situation. Both stores should be hiring around September. And Ron said he’ll keep me in mind because he’d rather hire someone he knows already.

It’s just really hard. I know I could try a lot harder to find work elsewhere but the fact is I love EB. So many people complain and say it’s a terrible store. But the people are what make it. It’s such a tight-knit and sociable company. I’m not returning to uni this semester and just want to work. Getting my job back would make me happier than anything right now, because honestly… I’m not living for anything anymore.

And now, I have to go take my car to get a rego check. I don’t have to pay the rego, obviously. Parents have been helping out with insurance, too. But it’s hard to pay for anything when I’m only on $60 a week. That covers my petrol and a bit of food and socialising. It’s not much money, though. Especially when I’m trying to save up for new clothes, and my computer is kind of broken at the moment. Ah well. Guess I’ll just have to wait to see how things turn out.

He’s Just Not That Into You

The other night some friends and I finally watched “He’s Just Not That Into You”. Funnily enough both one of my good friends and I have been told we need to watch it. It’s as though people seem to think we can’t get the hint and need to get over guys. We laughed through the whole thing at moments that reminded us of ourselves but the ending was really nice and realistic. My other friend said “It’s almost enough to make you not bitter.” The first thing I remember being told after my ex broke up with me is “Don’t let it make you bitter.” That’s the difficult thing. You don’t notice it at first but over time you do become bitter. You resent your ex, your friends who are happy and deep down you resent yourself for being so wreckless.

On a high note, I had a fantastic day in the city yesterday with some close friends. However I yet again find myself in that situation with a guy where I’m unsure whether or not they’d even be intersted in me, or if I’m trying to hard. I just don’t know what to expect from it. I have to be careful because I’ve started realising how much I over-analyse situations. I guess I’ll just have to wait and see and let things happen on their own.

Cosplay bitching

Copied from my LJ (I’ll probably end up sharing some of the posts between both blogs)

I’ll be the first to admit I can be a complete bitch. I complain a lot. I grew up a spoilt youngest child of 5. Over time I’ve become more worldly and understanding, and I’m really supportive of human rights and whatnot. But I still can’t stop myself from complaining. Usually about the things that affect me, though. I also admit I can be a bit of a snob and as a whole, the human race tends to piss me off. In my mind, as long as people are safe and happy that’s great – just don’t touch me. But when it comes to the cosplay community there are a lot of people I love hanging out with that make me smile, and who are genuinely great people. Of course I have my friends I keep closest to me; the rest I don’t bother going out of my way to make friends with. Friendships are things I form over long periods of time.

Something that is really getting to be though is the bitchiness. And I’m not talking about my comment here and there about things that piss me off. This is hardcore, spiteful, revenge-getting bitching. I don’t know how often people bitch about me but I wouldn’t be surprised if it was a lot. But among serious cosplayers (not necessarily the good ones) who are in it to win it, there is so much hatred and competitiveness. I think people should remember how cosplay and conventions brought us together. Cosplay is fun and you meet great people. It’s nice showing off something you’ve accomplished. Awards are great too but people should consider how small the prizes are, and that they really aren’t worth fighting over.

I think there are a lot of good cosplayers in Australia who aren’t concerned about winning and just enjoy making costumes with friends. For me, it’s about accomplishment and getting to feel like I’m a character who maybe I relate to or I wish to experience being. Sure I know I can do better and it’s tempting to pick something complicated just to rub it in everyone’s faces so they’ll stop doubting my abilities, but that’s not really the point of cosplay. So people really need to stop the bitching.

On another note about bitching, people need to stop picking sides. Or at least stop pretending they are and running to the other person and acting like their best friend. It pisses me off so bad when someone will sit with you and go out of their way to tell you all the reasons they hate a person (which is worse than bitching because half the time it’s not stuff that effects them) and that they should grow up, then they run to that person and give them all the wonderful photos of their cosplay and tell them how hot they looked. Ugh so over it. And I’m over the people who are friends with someone and pretend they know their situation, then ignore/be rude to anyone that person is fighting with.

However, in regards to that certain person causing so much drama in my life, I’ve finally stopped caring about even being friends with them. It’s not worth my time being hurt by them then being told it’s my fault I’m upset. I only wish now that people would stop trying to make a joke of that person or telling stupid stories about them, thinking it’ll make me laugh. You know what will help? Let me rant then shut up about it. I’m done.

Love Revelations

Most little girls grow up with their mother being their best friend. My parents divorced when I was quite young and although I’ve always lived with my mother, we’ve never had what you’d call a strong mother-daughter relationship. I won’t pretend I know what really happened when my parents split up. I know a few facts, and have a few assumptions but I could never really tell you how it all happened. Not long ago a new fact was added to the equation. I knew my dad had a pretty bad car accident when I was a child. However, I’ve learnt (also being pretty sure there was alcohol involved) when he came home my mother got quite upset. She told him that she didn’t want her children to go through life fearing their father wouldn’t come home. So she told him to leave. Of course I know there were other factors that put strain on their relationship which my mum may have been able to get past but never forget. I think this though was what really did it for her. For her own children, regardless of how in love with my father she was, she put us first.

I know what it feels like to love someone. I also know how much it hurts to be forced to let go. Except, unlike my mother I didn’t make the choice myself. For that, I respect and appreciate my mother so much more. I have gone through life thinking she was weak and remarried to get by. I am ashamed of that. I really doubt I could ever make it up for her for sacrificing so much. I didn’t have the strength to do such a thing for my own sake. And you know what? It only proves to me that there is always a chance to move past the love you have for someone. It’s possible to find someone you love more. Whether it’s your children, or a new partner. I’m certainly not saying that relationships shouldn’t be appreciated and you shouldn’t give it your all. But if it’s for the best, getting over losing a love is possible. You stop crying. Eventually.

I’d make an awesome serial killer.

I was in Spotlight with my friend Wednesday afternoon and I was wandering the aisles when she said to me “Watch out for the water”. I then noticed a trail around the corner. I laughed and then said “It looks kinda dirty like someone peed themselves”. My friend then tells me she’d seen a girl between 15 and 17 running with rolls of fabric and something dripping, and when the girl was around the corner said something to her mother to which the mother said something along the lines of “WHAT?! How is that possible? *incredulous* Oh well, we’re here now and have stuff to buy so you’ll have to wait”. Then the girl apparently was seen later walking uncomfortably. So it seems a grown girl managed to wet herself in public. I could not believe it because honestly, who can not hold on? I go to the toilet a lot more than is ordinary but that’s just because I get uncomfortable if I need to go only a little bit. If I have to wait, I will. I just do not understand how one can break the seal in public like that. It’s just strange.

I like weird movies. I was watching Hostel II for the third time the other day. I don’t know why I like things like that. I’m also a bit of a psycho. I get really emotional and violent sometimes. Though, in my opinion I’m quite intelligent so I was just thinking wow I’d be good at that. Nevermind the fact though that the thought of ending any life (human or other) just depresses me. I value my own life too much to want to hurt anyone that badly. I mean, the thought of not being able to do all the things I want to do, or experiences I haven’t had, just makes me think how awful it would be for things to end that way for someone. Life can be really cruel and unfair to some people. I wish everyone could live a long, fulfilling life. Sadly doesn’t work that way. Though, I’m still an emotional and resentful bitch most of the time regardless of my thoughts on life. Can’t help that.

Hotties & Dress Ups

Sydney Supanova is coming up in a few weeks. I’m excited because hottie Stanislav Ianevski (Viktor Krum from Harry Potter) will be there. What really bugs me is how much they charge for photos and autographs. $40 for a photo and $30 for an autograph. The picture would want to turn out really good. I’ve decided not to cosplay on that day so I’m not like “HI!” and he’ll look at me like I’ve got swine flu. I’m borrowing a Nero costume for Sunday, though. I doubt I’ll bother carrying the sword around. I just like dressing up.

Speaking of dress ups, I finally finished my documentary for uni which is about cosplay. Kind of. It’s called “Dress Ups – Conceit & Conflict in the Cosplay Community”. I’ll upload it somehow if I can figure it out. Weirdly it’s playing really slowly on my computer. It lags even in VLC. I hope it’s not the file itself and my computer just sucks. I blame the Mac we had to make it on. It sucked to use. I like my plain old Windows XP thank you very much.

I’m really freaking hungry and feel like I’ll throw up so I guess that’s it for now.